Kristen wrote an amazing post. You should be reading that. I am not a writer. I sometimes don't think of myself as an artist.

As a sometimes artist there is always this pressure to complete something...to have something be finished. I always want nothing to be something and I'm completely overwhelmed and intimidated by blank paper. There are so many possibilities that never come to fruition especially when you can't get past that. I can sit and stare at the blank paper for hours and be completely surprised every time when nothing happens. Then I get mad and upset and end up ripping the paper into smaller pieces...many intimidating pieces of paper. I leave them on my bed where they fall onto the floor while I sleep over the course of a week or so and I pick them up and put them in the trash.

I have strange compulsions to have everything be pretty at all times and am frustrated when that doesn't turn out...which is most of the time. Okay, I have a confession to make...I haven't 'made' any 'art' in months. The paints go unopened, the brushes are dry sitting in cups on my desk, the chalks and pencils and pens are dusty from non-use. I have to just start doing. This will be good for me.

I make a lot of mistakes. I second guess every choice I make no matter how small. I over think everything. I put bleach in the washer and ruin things (or things go in the dryer that are not supposed to go in the dryer), I drop dishes and things that are important, I lose money and spend money I don't have, I go to bed too late sometimes, I make terrible food decisions (I'm getting better at it)(nutter butters + peanut butter = a good dinner?). I maybe made a mistake in moving back home and going back to school(somedays it feels amazing and other days I wonder what I am doing with myself). I've definitely made mistakes in picking jobs and staying at them even though they made me crazy. I say the wrong thing a lot. I am distracted at all times.

I miss having paint ingrained in my fingers. I miss looking at those hands and the different colored stains and knowing they created something. I am hoping this project brings back my creativity and my love for creating. I hope this project makes me want to do a million other projects. I hope I create many ugly things that lead to beautiful things or to more ugly things. I want things to be unfinished and be able to accept that.

I am mostly excited to put my hands in all of the sticky things and let the book slowly deterioriate over the course of a year. I want paint and chalk and dirt and whatever else this book wants me to use to be all over my day to day life. I want smudges on my legs. I want the maple syrup effect (you know, the days when you've eaten something with maple syrup and then random things that should not be sticky are sticky). I am crazy amounts of excited to be doing this with someone else who I can share all of my mistakes with (someone who I respect and love and who creates wonderful wonderful things). My post needs more pictures. Maybe next week.